W-well... it's a big day f-for me.
(I can't believe this is my first j-journal...)
I... realize that m-most of you won't understand this, or... w-will b-b-be disappointed in me f-for it... but I wanted to make an announcem-ment. Just to make it m-more official... easier to commit to.
It's... it's been a month and a day since I last shot up.
I think I'm getting clean.
... I've w-weeded the garden and gotten rid of my rigs. I-it's... I can't go back on it now. I d-don't have a choice. S-so, I... thought I'd take some time to explain myself. To the few o-of you who knew that I was even... on d-drugs in the first place... since I didn't tell most people.
But it's a little chance to delve int-to my history. Which is n-n-new.
Here goes... nothing, r-really.
... I started after I m-moved out on my own. Not very long after. I'd been exp-perim-m-menting with m-many of the substances my father supplied me with for tests, and stealing his notebooks at times as well. He w-was working on his medicine at the time, so most of the plants he studied i-in secret were related to antipsychotics, anxiety m-meds... generally calming things. I took a chance on a few of them... s-some of them made me sick... and when I ran away, I looked for plants l-like the ones I'd seen in the books. And after th-that... anything that would help me relieve t-tension, really...
I exp-perienced a long period of darkness in my life, then. At the time, I was also com-ming to terms with my... gender... issue... (a-and for any of you who don't understand that, I... ummm... I was b-born female. Biol-logically, that is. I use runes to fix that. It's... n-not important, really. Sorry if it... ummm... bothers... anyone. It's j-just... you know, personal b-business.) and it was... d-difficult, taking everything in all at once. Being al-lone was... new t-to me. And I had a lot of repressed anger at the time, which tended to m-make me... a bit volatile. I was troubled. I found my old house not long later- it w-was a church at one point, I think, or m-maybe something left over from one of the old settlements- and rebuilt it to live in. That was when I s-started to... plant. I'd taken some seeds and sprouts when I'd left the lab... a few things that h-helped me to settle, and some that I hadn't tried y-yet... and I started my garden. Growing my fix was my purpose, but... the g-garden-n-ning itself was therapeutic, too.
F-for lack of life experience, I didn't know how to take c-care of myself. Hunting was hard because I panicked all the time, and I didn't know how t-to make things to trade... so m-mostly I had to steal from people, f-food, clothing, blankets... I-I didn't like it. It made me miserable, being alone and so d-dependant on hurting others for my own needs... I hated it. I h-hated myself for it. And that made the cravings for stress relief worse, which made me get high more and more often, and s-soon enough I found myself spending d-days at a time in the house, on the floor, w-with a pipe or a needle, depending on how fast I needed it back in my system. I wanted to stem my cravings more than I wanted food, o-or blood... it scared me, but I felt l-like I deserved it.
That w-was about when I met Raoki.
The first time we m-met, he'd broken into my house. He's told me since that he w-was looking for food and sex, but at the time I d-didn't care at all. He could have killed me then, and I w-wouldn't have stopped him. I rememb-ber being on the floor... I-I know for a fact that I was high at the time. I heard footsteps, a-and thought that someone had finally come to put me out of my misery...
Instead, he lifted me up, bit me, t-took a drink, spat it out and left c-cursing.
(Probably n-not his best first impression, but I w-wasn't in a g-g-good st-state to judge him at the time.)
He c-came back not t-t-too long later, with food, and m-made me dinner. He introduced himself as a w-wanderer, looking for a bed to sleep in. My bed, as he m-made it clear, to which I politely said he could have, if I d-didn't join him there. He didn't seem too b-bothered by it at the time, and soon I almost forgot what he'd come to do in the first place. He was standoffish, but friendly in his own way. I liked his company.
I offered him a hit, as it was all that I had. H-he took it, said it didn't do what he wanted and went to sleep.
He was gone the next m-morning, before I woke up, and I didn't see him f-for a long time after that. But his k-kindness, self-intended though it was, convinced me t-to find a way to get back up on my feet again. I tried to hunt- did b-better, but not well- then tried to trade- I backed out- and finally found myself spiralling back w-where I was bef-fore.
It was about three months after I left the lab when I hit rock bottom. My runes wore off, and I lost a lot o-of the dignity I'd mustered again. There was s-something about one more challenge that hit me hard... I was coping before, but it was already too much for me. I g-gave up on the runemarks... a gut-wrenching decision for me at the t-time.
While in that... state of m-mind and body, I found myself using more and more. It was p-purposely self-destructive, I knew, but I didn't care. At this point, I had n-no one... my sister was trapped, Shao w-was missing and n-not even Raoki had visited again (which wasn't surp-prising, at the time.) And I... c-contemplated a lot of things then. Things I'm n-not proud of. And by then, my life revolved around getting my fix- I was abusing more than I was eating, watering plants more than I was drinking, consuming f-faster than I could harvest. I spent my d-days as a sad, sick little g-girl, huddled by a garden patch that always seemed too s-small.
It w-was one of those days when I realized I could u-use the inconvenience of my runes t-to my advantage. I didn't look much different, b-but runemarks weren't overly popular in my area... and no one knew m-me. At the same time, I didn't have much to offer but skills in the second-most common Shathran p-profession.
So I b-became a drug dealer.
I would cancel my runes for d-d-deliveries, leave the house under a female guise, and re-apply when I returned home. It was a horribly p-painful process, especially so many times in a day, but... from then on, my q-quality of life improved right away- making connections was easy in Sh-Shathra, since no one knew what kind of plants I was growing. (A-and neither did I, really...) And it helped m-me to use less, oddly enough. I got used to handling wh-what I wouldn't be taking, and craved the benefits o-of my business. It was easier than hunting.
N-not long after I built up my clientele, Raoki appeared again.
This t-time, though, he was much less friendly; it was obvious t-to me that he'd found whatever drug he wanted, and lots of it. He looked drunk and high and angry and hurt, all at once. Naturally, as I'd come to kn-know him.
At the time, he had things on his mind as well. And he didn't recognize me in that body, s-so... we fought a bit, before I told him who I was. And while I tried n-not to think about what would have happened if h-he hadn't met me before... I convinced him to become a regular client.
And after that, w-we became friends. He eventually told me about his heart cond-dition, and I told him about my previous life at the lab. He slipped out of my business after quite s-some time, admitting that my drugs did nothing for him, but that h-he would keep paying for them if I could stick around while he did. I said that it w-wasn't necessary, so he stopped paying.
And I slowly stopped d-dealing, too.
Ironic, that m-my best customer would pull me out of the business...
... But the r-rest of that is history.
That's a little snippet of m-my life. Probably far more than anyone n-needed t-t-to know about me. ^^' I know I don't seem like the type... t-to do any of this... and that's the point.
I'm n-not. Anymore.
Hence the quitting.
I'm sure that I c-can do this. I'm d-doing it as we speak. And... it's taken a while, but... I have Oki t-to help me. And Shao, and my sister... and e-even Revensai, now. I have a large support system, and I-I can make it through this.
Wish m-me luck. I love you all. ^^
Listening to: Blue Stahli :: Throw Away