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Devious Journal Entry
8 min read
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W-well... it's a big day f-for me.
(I can't believe this is my first j-journal...)
I... realize that m-most of you won't understand this, or... w-will b-b-be disappointed in me f-for it... but I wanted to make an announcem-ment. Just to make it m-more official... easier to commit to.
It's... it's been a month and a day since I last shot up.
I think I'm getting clean.
... I've w-weeded the garden and gotten rid of my rigs. I-it's... I can't go back on it now. I d-don't have a choice. S-so, I... thought I'd take some time to explain myself. To the few o-of you who knew that I was even... on d-drugs in the first place... since I didn't tell most people.
But it's a little chance to delve int-to my history. Which is n-n-new.
Here goes... nothing, r-really.
... I started after I m-moved out on my own. Not very long after. I'd been exp-perim-m-menting with m-many of the substances my father supplied me with for tests, and stealing his notebooks at times as well. He w-was working on his medicine at the time, so most of the plants he studied i-in secret were related to antipsychotics, anxiety m-meds... generally calming things. I took a chance on a few of them... s-some of them made me sick... and when I ran away, I looked for plants l-like the ones I'd seen in the books. And after th-that... anything that would help me relieve t-tension, really...
I exp-perienced a long period of darkness in my life, then. At the time, I was also com-ming to terms with my... gender... issue... (a-and for any of you who don't understand that, I... ummm... I was b-born female. Biol-logically, that is. I use runes to fix that. It's... n-not important, really. Sorry if it... ummm... bothers... anyone. It's j-just... you know, personal b-business.) and it was... d-difficult, taking everything in all at once. Being al-lone was... new t-to me. And I had a lot of repressed anger at the time, which tended to m-make me... a bit volatile. I was troubled. I found my old house not long later- it w-was a church at one point, I think, or m-maybe something left over from one of the old settlements- and rebuilt it to live in. That was when I s-started to... plant. I'd taken some seeds and sprouts when I'd left the lab... a few things that h-helped me to settle, and some that I hadn't tried y-yet... and I started my garden. Growing my fix was my purpose, but... the g-garden-n-ning itself was therapeutic, too.
F-for lack of life experience, I didn't know how to take c-care of myself. Hunting was hard because I panicked all the time, and I didn't know how t-to make things to trade... so m-mostly I had to steal from people, f-food, clothing, blankets... I-I didn't like it. It made me miserable, being alone and so d-dependant on hurting others for my own needs... I hated it. I h-hated myself for it. And that made the cravings for stress relief worse, which made me get high more and more often, and s-soon enough I found myself spending d-days at a time in the house, on the floor, w-with a pipe or a needle, depending on how fast I needed it back in my system. I wanted to stem my cravings more than I wanted food, o-or blood... it scared me, but I felt l-like I deserved it.
That w-was about when I met Raoki.
The first time we m-met, he'd broken into my house. He's told me since that he w-was looking for food and sex, but at the time I d-didn't care at all. He could have killed me then, and I w-wouldn't have stopped him. I rememb-ber being on the floor... I-I know for a fact that I was high at the time. I heard footsteps, a-and thought that someone had finally come to put me out of my misery...
Instead, he lifted me up, bit me, t-took a drink, spat it out and left c-cursing.
(Probably n-not his best first impression, but I w-wasn't in a g-g-good st-state to judge him at the time.)
He c-came back not t-t-too long later, with food, and m-made me dinner. He introduced himself as a w-wanderer, looking for a bed to sleep in. My bed, as he m-made it clear, to which I politely said he could have, if I d-didn't join him there. He didn't seem too b-bothered by it at the time, and soon I almost forgot what he'd come to do in the first place. He was standoffish, but friendly in his own way. I liked his company.
I offered him a hit, as it was all that I had. H-he took it, said it didn't do what he wanted and went to sleep.
He was gone the next m-morning, before I woke up, and I didn't see him f-for a long time after that. But his k-kindness, self-intended though it was, convinced me t-to find a way to get back up on my feet again. I tried to hunt- did b-better, but not well- then tried to trade- I backed out- and finally found myself spiralling back w-where I was bef-fore.
It was about three months after I left the lab when I hit rock bottom. My runes wore off, and I lost a lot o-of the dignity I'd mustered again. There was s-something about one more challenge that hit me hard... I was coping before, but it was already too much for me. I g-gave up on the runemarks... a gut-wrenching decision for me at the t-time.
While in that... state of m-mind and body, I found myself using more and more. It was p-purposely self-destructive, I knew, but I didn't care. At this point, I had n-no one... my sister was trapped, Shao w-was missing and n-not even Raoki had visited again (which wasn't surp-prising, at the time.) And I... c-contemplated a lot of things then. Things I'm n-not proud of. And by then, my life revolved around getting my fix- I was abusing more than I was eating, watering plants more than I was drinking, consuming f-faster than I could harvest. I spent my d-days as a sad, sick little g-girl, huddled by a garden patch that always seemed too s-small.
It w-was one of those days when I realized I could u-use the inconvenience of my runes t-to my advantage. I didn't look much different, b-but runemarks weren't overly popular in my area... and no one knew m-me. At the same time, I didn't have much to offer but skills in the second-most common Shathran p-profession.
So I b-became a drug dealer.
I would cancel my runes for d-d-deliveries, leave the house under a female guise, and re-apply when I returned home. It was a horribly p-painful process, especially so many times in a day, but... from then on, my q-quality of life improved right away- making connections was easy in Sh-Shathra, since no one knew what kind of plants I was growing. (A-and neither did I, really...) And it helped m-me to use less, oddly enough. I got used to handling wh-what I wouldn't be taking, and craved the benefits o-of my business. It was easier than hunting.
N-not long after I built up my clientele, Raoki appeared again.
This t-time, though, he was much less friendly; it was obvious t-to me that he'd found whatever drug he wanted, and lots of it. He looked drunk and high and angry and hurt, all at once. Naturally, as I'd come to kn-know him.
At the time, he had things on his mind as well. And he didn't recognize me in that body, s-so... we fought a bit, before I told him who I was. And while I tried n-not to think about what would have happened if h-he hadn't met me before... I convinced him to become a regular client.
And after that, w-we became friends. He eventually told me about his heart cond-dition, and I told him about my previous life at the lab. He slipped out of my business after quite s-some time, admitting that my drugs did nothing for him, but that h-he would keep paying for them if I could stick around while he did. I said that it w-wasn't necessary, so he stopped paying.
And I slowly stopped d-dealing, too.
Ironic, that m-my best customer would pull me out of the business...
... But the r-rest of that is history.
That's a little snippet of m-my life. Probably far more than anyone n-needed t-t-to know about me. ^^' I know I don't seem like the type... t-to do any of this... and that's the point.
I'm n-not. Anymore.
Hence the quitting.
I'm sure that I c-can do this. I'm d-doing it as we speak. And... it's taken a while, but... I have Oki t-to help me. And Shao, and my sister... and e-even Revensai, now. I have a large support system, and I-I can make it through this.
Wish m-me luck. I love you all. ^^
(I can't believe this is my first j-journal...)
I... realize that m-most of you won't understand this, or... w-will b-b-be disappointed in me f-for it... but I wanted to make an announcem-ment. Just to make it m-more official... easier to commit to.
It's... it's been a month and a day since I last shot up.
I think I'm getting clean.
... I've w-weeded the garden and gotten rid of my rigs. I-it's... I can't go back on it now. I d-don't have a choice. S-so, I... thought I'd take some time to explain myself. To the few o-of you who knew that I was even... on d-drugs in the first place... since I didn't tell most people.
But it's a little chance to delve int-to my history. Which is n-n-new.
Here goes... nothing, r-really.
... I started after I m-moved out on my own. Not very long after. I'd been exp-perim-m-menting with m-many of the substances my father supplied me with for tests, and stealing his notebooks at times as well. He w-was working on his medicine at the time, so most of the plants he studied i-in secret were related to antipsychotics, anxiety m-meds... generally calming things. I took a chance on a few of them... s-some of them made me sick... and when I ran away, I looked for plants l-like the ones I'd seen in the books. And after th-that... anything that would help me relieve t-tension, really...
I exp-perienced a long period of darkness in my life, then. At the time, I was also com-ming to terms with my... gender... issue... (a-and for any of you who don't understand that, I... ummm... I was b-born female. Biol-logically, that is. I use runes to fix that. It's... n-not important, really. Sorry if it... ummm... bothers... anyone. It's j-just... you know, personal b-business.) and it was... d-difficult, taking everything in all at once. Being al-lone was... new t-to me. And I had a lot of repressed anger at the time, which tended to m-make me... a bit volatile. I was troubled. I found my old house not long later- it w-was a church at one point, I think, or m-maybe something left over from one of the old settlements- and rebuilt it to live in. That was when I s-started to... plant. I'd taken some seeds and sprouts when I'd left the lab... a few things that h-helped me to settle, and some that I hadn't tried y-yet... and I started my garden. Growing my fix was my purpose, but... the g-garden-n-ning itself was therapeutic, too.
F-for lack of life experience, I didn't know how to take c-care of myself. Hunting was hard because I panicked all the time, and I didn't know how t-to make things to trade... so m-mostly I had to steal from people, f-food, clothing, blankets... I-I didn't like it. It made me miserable, being alone and so d-dependant on hurting others for my own needs... I hated it. I h-hated myself for it. And that made the cravings for stress relief worse, which made me get high more and more often, and s-soon enough I found myself spending d-days at a time in the house, on the floor, w-with a pipe or a needle, depending on how fast I needed it back in my system. I wanted to stem my cravings more than I wanted food, o-or blood... it scared me, but I felt l-like I deserved it.
That w-was about when I met Raoki.
The first time we m-met, he'd broken into my house. He's told me since that he w-was looking for food and sex, but at the time I d-didn't care at all. He could have killed me then, and I w-wouldn't have stopped him. I rememb-ber being on the floor... I-I know for a fact that I was high at the time. I heard footsteps, a-and thought that someone had finally come to put me out of my misery...
Instead, he lifted me up, bit me, t-took a drink, spat it out and left c-cursing.
(Probably n-not his best first impression, but I w-wasn't in a g-g-good st-state to judge him at the time.)
He c-came back not t-t-too long later, with food, and m-made me dinner. He introduced himself as a w-wanderer, looking for a bed to sleep in. My bed, as he m-made it clear, to which I politely said he could have, if I d-didn't join him there. He didn't seem too b-bothered by it at the time, and soon I almost forgot what he'd come to do in the first place. He was standoffish, but friendly in his own way. I liked his company.
I offered him a hit, as it was all that I had. H-he took it, said it didn't do what he wanted and went to sleep.
He was gone the next m-morning, before I woke up, and I didn't see him f-for a long time after that. But his k-kindness, self-intended though it was, convinced me t-to find a way to get back up on my feet again. I tried to hunt- did b-better, but not well- then tried to trade- I backed out- and finally found myself spiralling back w-where I was bef-fore.
It was about three months after I left the lab when I hit rock bottom. My runes wore off, and I lost a lot o-of the dignity I'd mustered again. There was s-something about one more challenge that hit me hard... I was coping before, but it was already too much for me. I g-gave up on the runemarks... a gut-wrenching decision for me at the t-time.
While in that... state of m-mind and body, I found myself using more and more. It was p-purposely self-destructive, I knew, but I didn't care. At this point, I had n-no one... my sister was trapped, Shao w-was missing and n-not even Raoki had visited again (which wasn't surp-prising, at the time.) And I... c-contemplated a lot of things then. Things I'm n-not proud of. And by then, my life revolved around getting my fix- I was abusing more than I was eating, watering plants more than I was drinking, consuming f-faster than I could harvest. I spent my d-days as a sad, sick little g-girl, huddled by a garden patch that always seemed too s-small.
It w-was one of those days when I realized I could u-use the inconvenience of my runes t-to my advantage. I didn't look much different, b-but runemarks weren't overly popular in my area... and no one knew m-me. At the same time, I didn't have much to offer but skills in the second-most common Shathran p-profession.
So I b-became a drug dealer.
I would cancel my runes for d-d-deliveries, leave the house under a female guise, and re-apply when I returned home. It was a horribly p-painful process, especially so many times in a day, but... from then on, my q-quality of life improved right away- making connections was easy in Sh-Shathra, since no one knew what kind of plants I was growing. (A-and neither did I, really...) And it helped m-me to use less, oddly enough. I got used to handling wh-what I wouldn't be taking, and craved the benefits o-of my business. It was easier than hunting.
N-not long after I built up my clientele, Raoki appeared again.
This t-time, though, he was much less friendly; it was obvious t-to me that he'd found whatever drug he wanted, and lots of it. He looked drunk and high and angry and hurt, all at once. Naturally, as I'd come to kn-know him.
At the time, he had things on his mind as well. And he didn't recognize me in that body, s-so... we fought a bit, before I told him who I was. And while I tried n-not to think about what would have happened if h-he hadn't met me before... I convinced him to become a regular client.
And after that, w-we became friends. He eventually told me about his heart cond-dition, and I told him about my previous life at the lab. He slipped out of my business after quite s-some time, admitting that my drugs did nothing for him, but that h-he would keep paying for them if I could stick around while he did. I said that it w-wasn't necessary, so he stopped paying.
And I slowly stopped d-dealing, too.
Ironic, that m-my best customer would pull me out of the business...
... But the r-rest of that is history.
That's a little snippet of m-my life. Probably far more than anyone n-needed t-t-to know about me. ^^' I know I don't seem like the type... t-to do any of this... and that's the point.
I'm n-not. Anymore.
Hence the quitting.
I'm sure that I c-can do this. I'm d-doing it as we speak. And... it's taken a while, but... I have Oki t-to help me. And Shao, and my sister... and e-even Revensai, now. I have a large support system, and I-I can make it through this.
Wish m-me luck. I love you all. ^^
© 2014 - 2024 rainingdove
Comments24
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It's good ta see ya goin' public with this stuff, Raine. It really helps when ya know how much support ya got.
I'm real proud o' ya, and ya should be e'en more proud o' y'self! Keep up the good work- I'm b'hind ya e'ry step o' the way! ^^
I'm real proud o' ya, and ya should be e'en more proud o' y'self! Keep up the good work- I'm b'hind ya e'ry step o' the way! ^^